The Channel Keeps Changing

Most nights, I roll over at some point, open my eyes and look at the clock. I am always hoping that it’s somewhere near morning when this happens, because I know that once my mind realizes it’s awake, I won’t be dozing back off any time soon.

I suffer from “thinks-too-much-syndrome.” I’m certain it’s not an actual condition, but for me it’s quite real. My mind bounces from topic to topic, sometimes faster than I can keep track of the thoughts. And if the constant stream of thoughts isn’t enough, I’ll start playing a song in the background, which unfortunately is always on repeat.

What do I think about? It varies from night to night. Sometimes I am thinking of all the things I need to do today. Or all of the things I didn’t do yesterday. Sometimes I will recall something from my past. On certain nights, I can do all this simultaneously. I’m nothing, if not a good multi-tasker. Last night I was replaying a conversation with a friend. I am sure that everyone does this. You question what you said, and how you said it. You realize that once you say something, you can’t retract your words. Or more important, you can’t go back and say the things you wish you had. But knowing this doesn’t stop me from trying. I get to play both people.

As I lay there wishing I could turn off my head – while carrying on this part real, part imaginary dialogue – it occurs to me that conversations are like verbal minefields. You step around topics that you don’t want to address. Or more honestly, are afraid to talk about. We avoid the uncomfortable because if we can avoid it long enough, we convince ourselves that it might go away. But just like a landmine, it’s still there, even if you don’t acknowledge it. You can try to walk gingerly past the bombs in your life, but one day, when you’re not paying attention, you’ll step right in the middle of one. It’s then when you’re forced to deal with whatever “it” is.

Well, at least that’s what I tell myself at 3:07 am.

Click. Just like that, the channel in my head changes and I start wondering how painful today’s CrossFit WOD will be. And my song is stuck on the chorus.